Weeds In The Garden

Preceded By: Weeds of Doubt
Followed By: The Prettiest Weed

Table of Contents


The story opens up fifteen years later in 2009, Angela and Crystie are both mothers of four and work dayjobs at a local Subway Sandwich Shop. The timeskip also reveals that Pierre has little to no contact with all eight of his children.


The story opens up with Angela and Crystie working a dayshift at a Subway restaurant when Crystie claims to have nymphomania and is required to have the day off. Suspicious, Angela also claims to have contracted nymphomania and also takes the day off in order to follow Crystie around via a Segway Scooter.
Crystie goes to her secret job at the Peach Pit as a stripper named "Star", Angela gets jealous of Crystie's attention whoring and applies as a new stripper under the alias "Sunshine". The women begin to strip harder and get into an exotic dancing competition.

Gloria is at home giving atheism lessons by Richard Dawkins when Marcia comes over with a box of old betamax tapes and asks to use her beta player. Gloria's betamax player is hooked up to a hi-definition 60 inch television screen and dolby surround system. Gloria begrudgingly allows Marcia to watch her movies on her beta player despite hating her. Gloria reaches the breaking point when her own grandchildren are seemingly getting along well with Marcia and enjoying the movie. Gloria storms out of the house declaring that she is going for a drive (when she is actually plotting a scheme to get rid of Marcia). Gloria drives around and recognizes German transvestite Orndolf Kriegler protesting freedom of speech along the highway. Gloria picks him up and explains the situation to him, she says that she is upset with Marcia for tarnishing her expensive digital entertainment setup with such lower class garbage. Gloria says that she wants to teach Marcia a lesson and needs Kriegler's help and he agrees. Gloria and Kriegler disguise themselves in camouflage fatigues and don ski-masks and kick down the front door to the Stepehensonsen house while brandishing guns and exclaim for everyone to get down to the ground. As Gloria attempts to take Marcia hostage, Paul and John use their combined cop training and shoot both Kriegler and Gloria, not knowing that it is their mother. The twins remove the ski masks and are horrified to see their mother's face and believe that they have killed her. Marcia asks no one in particular "who gets the betamax player?"

Boy Wednesday and Girl Wednesday are out on a date at a laser tag arena across from the Peach Pit (unaware that they are brother and sister).

Pierre is devastated over Gloria's death and plots to resurrect her from the dead. Pierre goes to the hopsital disguised as a doctor and takes an unconscious Gloria from her room and hides her in a laundry cart and leaves the hospital with her (believing her to be dead). Pierre takes Gloria's body to the haunted pet cemetary and burries her in a grave and hopes that she will come back that night and returns to his trailer. Some time later Gloria comes to and finds herself laying in a ditch in the middle of a graveyard. She assumes that Marcia had something to do with it and storms off back to Townhill in order to confront her. Pierre returns to the site later and is overjoyed to see a vacant plot and realizes that the indian burial myth is true and that Gloria has returned to life.
Gloria arrives at Marcia's house ala disheveled and Marcia asks her why she wasn't at the hospital for her to answer; "you know why!" Gloria forces her way into Marcia's house and begins yelling at her for putting her in the hospital for a simple joke and then having the audacity to bury her in a pet cemetary. Pierre (who has been following Gloria) goes into the house and raves about his resurrection working, confusing both Gloria and Marcia. Marcia gets supsicious of Pierre and Gloria's relationship and Gloria silences Pierre from speaking any further when she realizes that it was he who had moved her from the hospital. Gloria and Pierre arrive at the Stephensonsen house and Gloria yells at him for burying her in a ditch, and yells at the twins for shooting her and takes away their X-box 360 as punishment.
Boy and Girl Wednesday show up holding hands and claim to have spotted their mothers stripping at the Peach Pit. Gloria freaks out and has Pierre drive her over there in order to retrieve Angela. Gloria interrupts Angela in the middle of a dance with a customer and tells her to collect her earnings and come home.

While in the locker room at the strip club, Crystie's bragging has gotten the better of Angela to point where she shatters her tip jar over her head exclaiming that she had "both of their earnings". The two start brawling and the fight escalates out onto the street in front of their mothers, their children, and their husband Pierre. They move the fight over to the Laser Arcade where Crystie takes the championship belt and smothers Angela with it. Stan Stephensonsen and his secret other family narrowly avoid getting caught while playing laser tag and eating ice cream. Officers Ike & Tim arrive on the scene and arrest the two, however being handcuffed does not stop them from fighting as they manage to kick open the mesh screen in the squad car and release the parking break, causing the car to back into a tree. After taking back control of the car, the police drive away leaving Gloria and Marcia alone. Marcia makes a passing comment on how it was high time that Angela get arrested and Gloria takes offense to the comment and strikes Marcia upside her skull with a broken off tree branch, the two women also begin to brawl. Meanwhile Pierre pays for a private dance at the peach pit while the Wendesdays go off in search of a reasonably priced hotel in order to go to second base.

The Wednesdays are making out in a No Tell Motel when Mr. Miller barges in and makes an odd comment about never having seen kissing cousins in the flesh before. He retrieves a box of cleaner from under the bathroom sink before leaving the room and the Wednesdays wondering what he meant.

After his dance has ended Pierre goes to the county jail to bail out his wives. Pierre tells them that he feels ashamed of their behavior and feels embarassed having two fighting strippers as wives and claims to need personal space to think before disappearing. Pierre goes to Marcia's house for sex (because Gloria kicked him out for burying her in a grave in a pet cemetary).
Angela and Crystie are walking home (Angela following Crystie at a stalker's length) and a mysterious woman appears from out of the shadows and attacks Crystie. At first Angela is amused and thinks "Oh good a show!" but upon hearing the woman shout "You stole pierre from me" she helps Angela tackle her to the ground and restrain her.
The girls take the woman to an abandoned Denny's behind the Peach Pit and have tied her up to a chair. They learn that her name is Olivia Skanke and that she was once Pierre's girlfriend. Olivia admits that she has been stalking the two for over fourteen years and has sent a variety of other women to the hopsital for being with Pierre. Angela and Crystie get the idea that Pierre is a real player and decide to find him and question him. Before they go, they stuff a soiled pair of strawberry printed panties into Olivia's mouth and dump left over food onto her in hopes the rats will take care of her. The women find Pierre at Marcia's house and force him outside onto the ground where they strip him down naked and have their way with him. The girls retire to their respective houses before Gloria comes outside and slaps Pierre in the face for being an embarassment.

Meanwhile the Wednesdays are out on a date at the Knotsburg Zoo and they see Mr. Miller (the gardener) standing outside of the Lion habitat. They approach him and ask him what he meant about kissing cousins and the gardener responds with a metaphor about how sometimes in life the prettiest flower in the garden can end up being a weed. Boy Wednesday asks him what he means, but before he can dignify an answer the old gardener salts himself with a cannister of Morton's kosher salt and jumps down into the lion's den and quickly gets torn apart and devoured by the hungry lions. The children, horrified by what has just ocurred seek refuge with their scool counselor Miss Alessandra Estaire, who promises to take them out for ice cream while dealing with their lousy parents. While at her apartmet, Alessandra offers the children flavor-aid (imitation Kool-Aide) and Great Giana Sisters on the Atari (a knock-off of Super Mario Brothers).

John Stephensonsen gets hit by a car while re-enacting the last twenty minutes of "Terms of Endearment" for his deaf/mute friend Tina while in the middle of the street. Paul is devastated by the news of his brother's accident as now he has to actualy use his police training that he initialy forgot due to making John fill in for him all of those years.

Meanwhile Friday, Saturday, an Sunday Katz (fraternal triplets aged 15) decide to start making money without having to work so they form their own professional wrestling/escort service tentatively called "Sweaty Sausage Inc." and they immdiately sell-out on their opening night. Friday's manliness catches the eye of a neurotic gay man (who happens to be married to a woman) who propositions Friday to have sex with his wife for $1000 a night.
Marcia and Dan Katz begin fighting over custody of their children (except for Reese whom nobody really wants). Grandpa Katz kicks Dan out of the house and calls him a "dirty hippie" and a traitor. Alan has his nurse Belinda Von Hammer lock away Marcia and his wife Dolores Katz in the attic for being indecent.

Gloria hatches a schem to get revenge on Piere for humiliating her in front of the cul-de-sac and arranges to have him framed for her disappearance. Gloria uses Angela's segway scooter to ge to Pierre's trailer and somehow manages to lock herself in the trunk of his car while gagged and bound. She hopes that she will be discovered soon in order to frame Pierre of kidnapping.

Pierre feels depressed and lonely and orders a double dance from "Star" and "Sunsine" while at the Peach Pit, unaware that they are his wives. Angela and Crystie take the opportunity to humiliate Pierre and end their love triangle once and for all, however the two have a change of heart when Pierre makes a declaration that he will only have sex with his "wife", which both women take as a sign of his fidelity returning and prompt an un-cooperative threeway in the restroom's handicap stall.

Marcia Katz tries pushing on the door to get out but to no avail, Reese's corpse falls from the ceiling and breaks a hole through the floor (he had comitted suicide and his noose had snaped). Dolores tells Marcia she should go get help and Marcia jumps down the hole in the floor and sneaks out of the house. Marcia sneaks into the Stephensonsen house, avoiding Stan who was sleeping on the porch while acting as a guard dog. Marcia finds Gloria's grandchildren: Daid, Seth, and Mary watcing movies and eating pizza. Marcia asks why they aren't in school and they say because it is a saturday. Marcia asks the children where their father is and the say that they don't have a father becaue Gloria told them their mother had a virgin birth. Marcia calls Gloria a stupid atheist bitch before pressing onward into Paul's bedroom, who is depressed over his brother's accident. Marcia pleads with Paul's twin, John to help her but realizes that he is paralyzed from the neck down and has to communicate through an electronic voicebox. Marcia begrudgingly takes the useless Paul Stephensonsen with her to help her family being held hostage. School counselor Alessandra Frederique Estaire arrives at the cul-de-sac just in time to have Paul, Marcia, Alan, Dolores, Lorraine, Harold, Dan, and Stan as well as Reese's corpse apprehended and sent to a private medical facility. Alessandra puts the family nurse, Belinda Von Hammer in charge of the family's treatments, explaining that they are to be confined together in the attic an receive shock therapy and hypodermic needle shots on a daily basis. Belinda announces that she has been instructed to "exorcise" the evil from the Katz/Hammill/Stephensonsens. She begins by calling in the Yamamoto Twins; twin Japanese girls who have been living with Belinda as part of a foreign exchange program. Belinda employs the twins by having them belt he captive hostages across the shins with tube-socks filled with oranges. During her madness Belinda shows more cruelty to Alan in particular, citing pay cuts and wanton behavior as reasons for her animosity.

Todd Katz works the evening shift at MacBeth's Burger Palace when he receives a phone call from Sue Katz on his cellular phone. Todd is swiftly fired by the Chinese owners of the restaurant and is escortd out of the buildng by a 6'3", 300 lb black/Indian/Hindu/Communist named Robert. Sue asks Todd if he knows where their parents are because she can't find them and she is starving. Todd agrees to look for his parents whe he bumps into a Korean hooker named Michelle Kim. Michelle claims that she can "help" him and Todd accepts her offer and throws her into the back of the van unaware that she is a whore and will demand payment.

Meanwhile the Wednesdays are at Alessandra's apartment drinking flavor-aid and watching MTV Cribs. Boy Wednesday wonders if they should go out looking for their moms since the counselor left them their so abruptly. Mrs. Consuela enters through the front door and catches the strange teens watching MTV and asks if their mothers approve of them watching such garbage. The Wednesdays tell her that their moms are too busy working at the peach pit to monitor what they watch on TV. Conseula freaks out and starts to pray out loud in Spanish. Girl Wednesday adds that Boy Wednesday's family is full of atheists and that a weird gardener once called them kissing cousins before being ripped apart by lions. Mrs. Consuela has a heart attack and falls to the floor dead. The Wednesdays panic and fabricate a fake suicide letter before fleeing the apartment - in hopes that they will not be charged with murder. The Wednesdays steal Alessandra's purple PT Cruiser and Gir Wednesday is scratched by a one-eyed feral cat they call Cyclopty before it runs off into the alley. Boy Wednesday suggests going to the vet for a rabies shot, but Girl Wednesday just wants to find her mom.

Meanwhile Stan Stephensonsen tries reasoning with the Yamamoto twins and accidentally calls them the "Yamashita Sisters", resulting in him getting bashed twenty times across the shins with orange-filled socks. Lorraine Hammill screams at Stan for his incompetence alerting Belinda Von Hammer, who checks in on them with a tray of hypodermic needles. Belinda asks who wants to go first and the various abductees volunteer each other.

Todd turs on the CD players and puts on a Micael Buble CD, muc to Michelle's annoyance. Michelle suggests that they go somewhere private but Todd says he needs to find his mother. Michelle gets angry and calls Todd a "mama's boy" and asks if he is a god-fearing Christian to which he says he is. Disgusted by his response and her rule of never servicing religious weirdos, Michelle demands to be let off at the nearest La Quinta Inn which is actually 50 miles away in the opposite direction. Todd disapproves, noting how he is on a mission and really needs to find his mom. Pissed, Michelle opens up the van door and rolls out onto the street and into a parked squad car, alerting the sleeping officer inside. He recognizes Michelle and arrests her immediately. Todd pulls up to the KFC drive-thru to find that it is closed so he goes to the entrance to find the business hours and meets Kaleidoscope Zahn Cameron; a reborn-born again Christian who is a follower of Kirk Cameron. Todd tries opening the lobby door to find that it is locked, Kallie informs him that it is closed. Impressed by her psychic powers, Todd enlists Kallie's help to locate his mother.

Meanwhile Anglea, Crystie, and Pierre are enjoying dinner together at the same table in the same restaurant (supposedly overcoming their rivalry) when a deranged Olivia Skanke bursts in through the doors wielding a pair of nunchucks made of two dead cats tied together by the tails, and commanding an army of 700 rats and 1000 cockroaches. Pierre tells the girls to escape while he deals withe Olivia. Angela and Crystie escape through the back door and witness a drug deal go down. A tall, muscular black man named Brown Sugar Leroy approaches the women and asks the duo if they saw anything. Angela says that she is blind an could not have seen anything, but Crystie says that they heard drugs being sold. Leroy slaps Crystie before placing a fur coat on both girls and has Gonzales put them into the van. Leroy adds that homies pay extra for freak-bitches and has Sylvester place Angela in the van as well. As the van drives off, the girls sit next to a midget hooker named Vula and a gorilla hooker named Gogo. Angela asks if they are going to be killed, and Vula informs them that they have been made defacto prostitutes.

Meanwhile the Wednesdays run out of gas and the car breaks down in a library parking lot Girl Wednesday say not to open the door (so that the cats will not escape) but Boy Wednesday says that it reeks of cat piss and that he cannot breathe. Wednesday carefully exits the car without letting any cats escape, he then notices a white van speed by causing a hubcap to pop off and crash into the PT Cruiser, freeing all of the cats.

Meanwhile Gloria has been in the trunk of Pierre's car for hours, and is convinced that no one knows of her disappearance, she screams for help but the gag muffles her cries.

Pierre and Olivia argue over their past relationship and says she needs to get over him. Olivia screams that she will never let him go and swings the dead-cat nunchucks at him. Pierre notices two off duty policemen and tells them that Olivia is a suicide bomber and will blow up the restaurant. The cops draw their guns and shoot Olivia dead, while Pierre escapes through the men's room bathroom, and eventually back to his trailer.

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