Pierre Miserables

Preceeded By: La Weeds Aux Folles
Followed By: Weeds in the Basement

Pierre Miserables is the telling of Pierre Hawkins' childhood, starting from his birth in 1977 France, to growing up in Manchester England and moving to Los Angeles, California.

Chapter I: The Tale of Rouge-Gorge

Chapter II: The London Underground

Chapter III: Pink Velour

During his stay in Los Angeles Pierre meets and befriends a man named Spider and the two eventually form a band called The Cowardly and perform regularly at the Acid Rain Club in the outskirts of Los Angeles. It was while performing there that Pierre's attention was caught by the allure of a stunning lounge singer named Estrella Rios. He watched as she performed her rendition of "Blue Velvet" called "Pink Velvour" as his band set up for the stage.

While walking home from the club one afternoon, Pierre discovers a severed face laying in some brush. He picks up the face and puts it in his pocket and proceeds to go to the Police Station to speak to a detective.
Pierre speaks with Detective Blarney Miller who is skeptical of his find and after examining the "face" he claims that it is just a novelty mask and tells him to go home. Later Miller phones a man named Crank Doof and informs him of a nosy kid who has been asking questions, Doof tells him to keep an eye on him.

Pierre visits the Trapdoor and meets a stripper named Toni Toni who listens to his problems, she also mentions that she used to be a prostitute but is trying to get the part as a lead showgirl, and asks Pierre if he will help her accomplish this. Pierre agrees and decides to sabotage Dallas's career as a showgirl so that Toni Toni can take her place. Pierre arranges to meet Dallas under the alias of "Peter Hollings", a famous Hollywood director. Pierre meets Dallas at a cathouse in Nevada while dressed like a cowboy. He informs Dallas that being the lead girl is not her choice and that she will bow out for another girl. He tells her that if she does good then she will not see him again, but if she does bad he will go Tonya Harding on her face.

Pierre goes back to the Trapdoor and informs Toni Toni of his success, she thanks him and tells him that the singer; Estrella lives in an apartment on Mulligan Drive. Pierre breaks into Estrella's apartment and begins going through her things as Toni Toni waits outside on look-out. While Pierre tries on an evening gown, a limousine pulls up and out steps Estrella. Toni Toni panics and throws a brick up through the window of Estrella's apartment. She asks Toni Toni what she was doing and she says that she is insane and needs her medication now before running away. Estrella goes up to her apartment and unlocks the door just as Pierre is finishing up taking a dump in Estrella's toilet. She catches him and freaks out, she brandishes a feral cat from out of an armoir and demands to know why he is there. Pierre says that he likes women's panties and wanted to borrow some of hers. She gets angry and scratches his face with the cat. Pierre says that he knows that she is in some kind of trouble with someone named Crank Doof, and that he can help her. Estrella panics and asks how he knows that and tells him that Crank is extremely dangerous and will kill anyone who gets in his way. Suddenly there is a sudden violent knocking at the door and she shoves Pierre into the closet and tells him to keep quiet. Estrella opens up the door and a hostile midget wearing a black leather jacket and wheeling a helium tank. "Hello bubba!" Estrella greeted him. "Shut up jolly green, where's my Danimals?" Crank yelled. Estrella serves him a cup of Danimals strawberry milk and he calls her a bimbo. He demands that she suck in the helium of a balloon and talk like a munchkin while he screams "I'm ready to go home Glinda!".

Crank slaps her and tells her to clean up before leaving. Estrella lays on the floor crying and Pierre gets out of the closet to comfort her. Estrella tells him to stay with her because she is scared and they end up doing it in the living room and have an impromptu-wrestling match in her bedroom.

Crank comes back saying that he forgot his wallet and catches Pierre and Estrella together, he gets angry and violently assaults Pierre with his little fists. Pierre kicks him away but Crank brandishes a gun and his posse of midgets assault Pierre and put him and Estrella into Crank's cadillac. Crank declares that they are "going out for a ride". The group arrives at a crackhouse somewhere in Hollywood. Crank and company enter the apartment to be greeted by an obese, hutt-like French/Canadian/Asexual/Androgynous/Gay man with a flock-of-seagulls haircut named Fats Mandango. The two begin taking shots of Dr. Pepper and begin singing "Mac Arthur Park" by Donna Summers together. Afterward they leave the apartment and are driving and Crank is verbally abusing Estrella, Pierre kicks Crank off of his stack of phonebooks and calls him an asshole, the other midgets restrain him while Crank looks back, sucking in helium and saying how lucky he is to be alive.

The midgets drive Pierre off to a quarry and force him out of the car, while an elderly prostitute belly dances on the hood of the cadillac. Crank orders his men to play "Mac Arthur Park" while he glosses his lips up. He tries on a pair of cleets and kicks Pierre in the balls before calling him a stupid worthless son-of-a-giant. Crank and the others drive off, leaving Pierre for dead.

Pierre recovers and walks back home and wonders if everything that transpired was a dream or not, he then looks in the mirror to see the bruises that the midgets have given him while he was on the ground. He decides to rescue Estrella and put an end to Crank Doof once and for all. Pierre arranges a meeting with Blarney Miller through Toni Toni, who is his daughter. Pierre returns to Estrella's apartment and learns through the radio transmitter that Blarney and Crank were working together, and that Crank had just killed Blarney and is on his way to kill Pierre. Pierre grabs a broomstick and places the transmitter in the oven and hides in the closet. He hears Crank wheeling his helium tank upstairs and enters the apartment taunting Pierre and calling him names like "Frog", "French's", and "Mr. Bean". When Crank thinks he has cornered Pierre at the oven, he opens it up just as Pierre jumps out and shoves him inside, locking him in and turning the oven on full blast. Pierre escapes the apartment and frees Estrella who is reunited with her faceless husband and her pet dog whom were held captive by Crank. Afterward he meets with Nevada's new star showgirl, Toni Toni who asks him what he will do next and he says he is thinking about pursuing a career in acting.

Chapter IV: Mulligan Drive

After spending a month back in his homeland of England, Pierre returns to Los Angeles via the LAX airport with aspirations of becoming a successful actor. On the flight to LA Pierre encountered an elderly lesbian couple who were practitioners of BDSM. Pierre mentions that he won a "log rolling" contest and somehow that would launch him into fame. One of the old lesbians says that she will be watching for Pierre in the Hardcore Section, and Pierre says "won't that be the day!" The elderly lesbians wish him luck as they partways at the airport shuttle station, and Pierre catches a cab bound for his father's penthouse in Mulligan Drive.

While unpacking in his penthouse, Pierre overhears the shower running and steps in to investigate thinking perhaps his father had left it on and discovers a woman taking a shower. He apologizes at first but continues to stare glances at her until she finally asks him to give her some privacy. After she is finished she meets Pierre in his bedroom and introduces herself as Carmina. Pierre assumes that she is a friend of his father's and notices that she has a bruise on her forhead, and asks if she is alright. Carmina says that she was flying a helicopter somewhere and was shotdown and crashed (by drunk redneck partygoers). Carmina exclaims that she will feel much better once she has rested for a while, Pierre says that she might slip into a coma but she falls asleep anyway.

Later Fifi stops by and checks in on Pierre to see how he's doing, she asks about the woman in his apartment and wants to know who she is. Pierre says that she is a friend of his fathers, but Fifi says that her bridge partner said she looked like a hooker, which is trouble and that if she is trouble then she should be sent away. Fifi leaves Pierre to do whatever he wants, and he checks in on Carmina who is awake and feeling better at that point. Carmina and Pierre discuss the issue of her identity and Pierre figures that she has amnesia and assumes it will come back with time, however he assists in retrieving her memory. Carmina remembers the name Liane Sitwell, but cannot place a face with the name. Pierre checks on facebook to see if there is a "Liane Sitwell" in the Hollywood area, he finds one however it is private and does not show a picture. Pierre then resorts to calling Sitwell's number using 411 assistance, the finally gets her home address by googling her name. He and Carmina decide to go meet her in order to get answers.

Meanwhile a homeless man was urinating off of the boardwalk into the sea when something wrapped up in "pink velour" washes along the shoreline. The bum inspects the body to reveal that it is Dallas, hollywood's sweetheart. Hysterical, the bum phones Detective Gale Hooper who heads a formal investigation into the death of the showgirl.

A man named Chuck is at a Wendy's eating a chicken sandwich with his cousin Mel and tells him about the weird dreams he has been having, and he goes into great detail to explain them. Mel tells him that he needs to stop watching marathons of the "Golden Girls" every night before bedtime. Chuck says that the dream really scared him and that it felt like it actually happened. Skeptical, Mel scoffs his cousin's ideas as mere paranoia and takes him around the back of the fast food joint to prove to him that nothing is there. As the two approach the back wall of the ally, Betty White steps out from around the corner like a wraith and stares at Chuck for a solid 60 seconds, provoking fear-induced shock.

Later Pierre and Carmina arrive at a sleazy, trashy, dive of an apartment complex and search for Liane Sitwell's apartment. The two knock on the door that was "Liane's place" and a middle-aged, frumpy woman dressed like a 1980's professional wrestler opened the door and asked what that wanted. They asked if she was "Liane Sitwell", and she said no; that she is down the hall now - that they switched because she kept getting telemarketing calls during the night. As Pierre and Carmina leave to knock on Liane's door, the woman approaches them and asks to accompany them as she used to be her roommate and she still has some of her wrestling memorabilia and some of sex toys as well. However, as she leaves a midget luchador escapes from her apartment causing her to chase after him saying "I need to get that".

Pierre and Carmina ring the doorbell and knock several times to no avail and Carmina suggests that they leave, however Pierre picks up a rock and smashes the small window pane next to the door and unlocks the front door, letting himself in. The two investigate the apartment, looking for anything that might shed some light on Carmina's identity. The two notice a distinct unpleasant smell and make their way to the master bedroom where they discover the body of a dead man dressed in drag, who had apparently died of auto-erotic asphyxiation. The two run out of the apartment and up the street just as the wrestler with the midget return to the scene.

Later Pierre meets with his agent/dealer Presto D'azzara and sets up a script reading for a movie. Pierre reads for the movie and stuns everyone with his performance, he is later escorted onto the set of another movie being directed by Adrienne Kessler (who was blackmailed to picking a different guy for the lead role), Pierre learns that someone as he describes to: "some dark-haired, leather-clad, douche" AKA Peter Hollings arrives onset to sing "Tell it to my heart" by Taylor Dayne. Pierre rushes home to the penthouse and finds Carmina on the couch, they talk for a bit and later end up sleeping together. Later during the night Carmina continually repeats the word "Rocky!" over and over again until Pierre wakes her up and asks her what she meant by it. The two eventually find themselves at a midnight showing of the Rocky Horror Picture show. Pierre gets into a fight with a Dr. Frankenfurter look-alike over ruining the movie with bad jokes and fan interaction. Pierre and Carmina are thrown out of the theater and decide to stop at a Denny's on the way home. Pierre reaches into his pocket for some chapstick and reveals 1/2 of a hot pink key, Carmina asks him what it unlocks and Pierre says that he does not know. Carmina retrieves her "hot pink key" from her purse and they forge the pieces together into one complete hot pink key.

The key acts as a GPS and leads them to an underground establishment built in the middle of the woods. The entrance to the lair is draped with red velvet curtins and inside is a futuristic looking lounge with bizarre speaking people; the Velvet Mafia Heads. The Mob bossess congratulate Pierre and Carmina on making it to their lair, and they inform the two that their acting days are over. Carmina says that she is not an actor and one of the gay mafia bosses scoffs and asks if she's stupid or something. Pierre explains that she has amnesia, and can't remember who or what she was. One of the other Gay Mafia bosses exclaims that the helicopter "accident" was to be the end of Carmina, but fate intervened and she lived somehow. Pierre asks the Gay Mafia bosses why they sabotaged his audition and why they want Carmina dead and they respond by saying that they are getting revenge for the death of Liane Sitwell whom they believed was murdered by Carmina. The Gay Mafia bosses also admit that "Dallas" had gotten in the way of one of their boys and made an "example" out of her. Pierre & Carmina explain that it was an accidental suicide and that he died from auto-erotic asphyxiation. The Gay Mafia Bosses doubt these claims and prepare to shoot them with their hot pink pistols when Gale Hooper and several policemen raid the Velvet Lair and arrest all of the Gay Mafia Heads. In the end Pierre says that he is glad that it is all over finally and asks Carmina if she wants to go back home with him, to which she refuses in a rude tone saying that she is a famous actress and can't be seen in public hanging out with a dead-beat loser like him.

Chapter V: Knotsburg Landing

Chapter VI: Sewing the Weeds of Doubt


*Pierre Miserables is the first time that Pierre's parents are mentioned and named, as well as other relatives.
*Pierre's middle name "Rouge-Gorge" is first mentioned in Pierre Miserables.
*Pierre Miserables is chronologically his first appearance, despite originally appearing in 2009's Weeds of Doubt.

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